Just Trying To Love
by Claire Oddpick
Summary: Love can come from nowhere.
1. A contemplation

Just Trying to Love

Chapter 1- A contemplation.

When the story was revealed of his efforts in the war he was hailed as a hero.

"_On August 3__rd__ Professor Severus Snape, Potions master at Hogwarts school and Murderer of Albus Dumbledore, headmaster at Hogwarts school was today hailed as a Hero in a bizarre twist that happened in his court case. A surprise witness was called forth surprising and outraging many. The portrait of Albus Dumbledore which is kept in the headmistresses Office in the school was taken down and brought to the courtroom. There it went on to explain how professor Snape had taken an unbreakable vow to protect a school child that was to kill him. The silence in the court was immense.... once the evidence had been given all members of the wizengamot, united, hailing him as a hero..."_

Just reading it made his blood boil _a hero..._ at least I am no longer spat at in the street, thank heaven for small mercies he sighed inwardly, his mind went round in circles wandering what to do now he had been acquitted. McGonagall had been made headmistress of Hogwarts and had offered him his post back as potions master although the stability of the job would be welcome... the thought of going back to those dunderheads was not a welcoming one, it was something he would be and had been pondering, for weeks. She had sent him numerous letters which he had read but been unable to reply to, fully knowing this would anger her yet not caring simply because he felt numb. It was surprising his lack of emotion at the woman he had known and for lack of a better word, cared for most of his life but that was the very reason he didn't any have any emotional responses, his life was so altered he didn't know what to do. Both Voldemort and Dumbledore were dead, the two people who had controlled most of his life had left him, leaving a broken shell of a man with no master or leader to give him a point to his existence leading him to the decision of hiding here until he had come up with some kind of plan for his life.

He looked around at the empty room; 'oh if only those idiots could see me now '_their hero'_ they would soon retract that statement' he thought. The room that he sat in was bare to the very bones with only a threadbare rug that looked so ancient it made Nicholas Flamel look like a babe in arms, an Armchair so battered you couldn't see what kind of fabric it used to be let alone the colour and a bookcase with a large collection of books that looked rather smart compared to this dismal room.

It was a small flat having only 4 small cramped rooms that were all equally as dismal as this one, although he did have the money to update it he didn't have the patience for such a waste of time and it was ample for what he used it for. The flat had once belonged to his father and had been bequeathed to him when his father had died, it was a quiet haven he used to come to whilst teaching at Hogwarts when the idiocy of the students became too much to bear. Although it wasn't physically appealing it was somewhere he could just sit and read without the noise or interruptions of students or teachers. The furniture although old and very much shabby had also been bequeathed to him but from his grandmother and feeling sentimental he hadn't been able to part with it.

The reason he currently resided here was because of the harassment he had been receiving before the acquittal. It had got to the point where he hadn't left the flat in weeks accept to go to close friends' houses and court. Although he was now free to go about without the harassment he was still being constantly harangued by people wishing him well and needing to speak to him or wanting his autograph... It was insufferable, so he stayed here in perfect solitude hoping that no one would find him unless he wanted them too of course.

He knew they had been searching for him; McGonagall's gang of heroes, there had been messages via his circle of friends that they urgently needed to see him. So far he had managed to elude them but they were determined especially that little vixen Hermione Granger. Since she had graduated school a year ago she had made a lot of noise in the area of non human rights especially with house elves, causing a mild uproar in the papers when she denounced a lot of old pureblood families as being cruel and inhumane towards their house elves who did nothing but serve them faithfully and she called out for a mass house elf release. It wasn't until the house elves themselves rebelled against her that she stopped her protest. So instead of putting all her efforts in to 'saving' the house elves she was using it to try and find him. The others though equally annoying were much less determined.

They was another reason for his indecisiveness towards going back to Hogwarts, he knew Granger would be going to take over McGonagall's position as Transfiguration teacher. She would apprentice for two more years and then would become a fully fledged teacher. Once they had finished school he'd hoped never to see their faces again but of course Granger at the school means Potter and Weasley will be there constantly... they would be an inescapable irritant.

The sky had grown dark now; he must have been sitting there in deep contemplation for hours. Standing up he moved into the kitchen to grab a drink before retiring to his bedroom, opening the fridge door he yanked out the milk but before he could even close it a loud crack ripped through the silence. The bushy haired Granger stood in front of him, a myriad of emotions crossed her face before she finally settled on Triumphant, she rushed to him grabbed his collar and before he could so much as grab his wand or take a breath she had apparated them both away.


	2. freedom?

**Chapter 2 – freedom?**

_3 months earlier._

Slight murmuring amongst the crowd could be heard as Hermione sat on the edge of her seat. Waiting to hear the verdict regarding Severus Snape, glancing around at the people in the large austere room that had been given over for his hearing she could see the divide through the emotions playing on their faces the majority, angry, hoping for his continued imprisonment and the others, hopeful for his freedom. She was part of the minority having worked for the better part of a year with Harry and the others to get the wizengamot to re-go over his case and finally after a few months of double-checking and hearing all the new evidence put forward. The ruling was about to be given, her heart was pounding as the members all took their places and the silence became heavy with anticipation, all eyes were drawn to the minister Kingsley Shacklebolt as he cleared his throat.

"Professor Severus Snape... is cleared of all charges." He looked directly at Snape and said "you are free to go." The silence lasted for only a moment as these two short sentences sank in, what followed were cries of anger as people swarmed towards the minister shouting for justice. The others were crowded around Snape offering congratulations. He however seemed stuck to his chair acknowledging nobody, seemingly shocked into silence and numbness. Hermione took all this in while hovering close to McGonagall waiting to find out what was happening next. McGonagall had taken Snape by the shoulders now and was leading him towards the exit nodding at Hermione to give the ok to follow.

Once they had gotten out of the ministry the three of them apparated straight away to McGonagall's home which is a large Manor called Murkale, a grand but forbidding place overlooking the North Sea. It was mainly inhabited by house elves since McGonagall only lived here during school holidays, the furniture and colour that filled the house gave off a distinct air of opulence and the luxurious crimsons and purples made Hermione feel slightly intimidated by all this wealth. McGonagall ushered Severus into a chair whilst calling for a house elf to get some tea.

"Philly get a large pot of tea for us please" Philly bobbed once with an excited squeak

"Yes mistress" and apparated away.

"Hermione come and sit next to Severus while I visit the lavatory" McGonagall asked as she walked out of the room, Hermione slowly moved towards the chair next to Severus and picked up the pot of tea that had just winked into existence on the table and poured it into three cups. Handing one to Severus she noticed his hand was shaking causing the tea to spill over, she held onto his hand while he drank then, as she went to move away his other came and gripped her hand tightly to the cup she looked up into his eyes, they were piercing her with an overwhelming sense of pain, her heart was pounding against her chest so hard she pulled away moving too quickly she stumbled, his hand still in hers he pulled her upwards, towards him, both stood facing each other her head tilted upwards still in the grip of that beseeching pain he seemed to be silently begging for her help. The door opened and they both moved to a chair, McGonagall strode through the door

"I've just spoken to Harry he says it would be best to keep you here Severus as the news hounds are looking for you".

Hermione drained her tea hoping to escape and think about what just happened

"I'm just going to get changed and have a little nap before dinner, see you later." Hermione had been living here since the beginning of her apprenticeship for transfiguration at the start of the summer holidays, it can take up to three years to complete and then hopefully she would be able to become a professor at Hogwarts taking over for McGonagall as transfiguration teacher.

Her heart was still pounding as she lay down on her bed, unable to comprehend her reaction to his closeness, she had been that close before… but never had she seen such raw emotion, he had never before shown any feelings besides annoyance, 'that's what it was, the pain I saw, it just, surprised me.' With that reassuring thought she turned over and fell asleep.

She startled awake as an almighty crash echoed around the room. Grabbing her wand she ran out of the room and down the stairs, Snape was stood in the middle of the same room she had left not long ago his eyes blazing.

"YOU THINK IM CRAZY; THAT YOU CAN SEND ME TO MUNGOS?" McGonagall was in the corner her mouth wide as Snape was using his wand to break everything he could see, the piano in the corner had been reduced to cinder, McGonagall tried to speak but he just cut her off, "Severus, please I only…."

"NO, you have done more than enough, I am leaving. I will not be insulted like this."

Hermione jumped back as he strode to the door his eyes half crazed. He stopped for a moment as if surprised to see her then he pulled a sneer and said, "You think I don't know you're in on it, I'm not crazy you stupid girl I see why you brought me, here keeping me in there while you tried to find a doctor….I asked for your help…." The pain filled his eyes once more and he strode out of the house still striking objects with his wand.

Hermione had one last glance of him before he apparated away and ran over to McGonagall who was leaning against the wall sobbing.

"Professor what happened!?"

"Oh... H...Hermione he asked to leave and I told him he couldn't because of the reporters. He started talking about how we had begun a conspiracy against him, I only suggested to him that the dementors at Azkaban might've…affected him in some way you see, an…and perhaps he should speak to someone from St Mungo's. He just f…f…Flipped." Hermione was quite startled by this.

"Professor I think you need to explain a bit better, I'm confused. You think that the dementors have affected his mind? Have some more tea." Hermione handed her the teapot which she took gratefully and poured it into a large mug gulping it down it seemed to give her some strength.

"Remus and I have been trying to keep it out of the papers but Severus hasn't been right for some time. We don't know if it is the dementors influence or both Dumbledore and '_you know who'_ being dead. It might even be a combination of both. He has been having violent outbursts and breaking down in tears just after he went into Azkaban." Hermione took this in; she couldn't imagine the strict professor breaking down in tears.

"We'll have to find him professor, he's obviously not sound in his mind considering that outburst. I will go to Harry's house immediately and see if…"

"No no!" McGonagall interrupted, "That's quite unnecessary. I will send a Patronus to Remus and we will deal with finding Severus, don't you worry about it. He isn't your responsibility, what is your responsibility however is sorting out that misunderstanding you have with Ronald Weasley."

Hermione looked solemn for a moment. She knew that it would be wise to speak to him, he'd been under the impression they were together for some months and it had started to get out of hand…his talk of marriage and babies had surprised her so much she hadn't spoken to him in about two weeks.

"Your right professor, I will go and speak to him. He won't take it well so if I don't come back then you know he's killed me." A small bubble of laughter rose up as she spun around apparating away.

Ron was stood in the kitchen of the burrow when she walked through the door. He turned to her and a huge smile lit his features,

"Hermione" he exclaimed striding towards her "It feels like I haven't seen you in ages, I heard about Snape's trial. It's great news I guess eh?" he leaned down and kissed her hard against her closed mouth. He stepped away from her and looked deep into her eyes.

"I missed you." his voice was soft, his eyes searching for a similar response. She didn't know whether she had the heart to tell him but as she took a deep breath McGonagall's voice echoed in her head '_it's not fair on him Hermione'_

"Oh Ron I missed you too, but we need to talk. And I want you to keep silent until I'm finished please." her mind whirled…'_where to start?' _

"Look when we kissed during the last battle I was so happy, I thought we'd be a couple and that it would last forever but I've come to realize that we aren't as perfect as I thought…it's nothing you've done I promise..It's just we move in such different circles." she glanced at his face he had a stony set which glared at her...gulping she carried on, "your famous now because of quidditch whereas I'm just old Hermione working hard at the ministry…" his face changed to outrage as he interrupted,

"You think I don't work hard…for god's sake I get up at the crack of dawn nearly every day for practice do I complain? No! All I could think about is how maybe one day I will earn enough for us to get a house together…your telling me that's all for nothing? That you don't want me?" His voice broke on the last sentence and he stormed away from her into the sitting room. She stood looking at the door her heart beating furiously close to breaking, she did love him, just not how he wanted. It had to be done there was no other way, she couldn't keep lying to him that would only make it worse. Taking a couple of deep breaths she followed him through the door.

He was slumped forward on the settee his head in his hands.

"Ron what do you want me to do? Pretend that I love you how you need me to? That would be wrong and hurt even more; I can't help how I feel." She stopped not knowing how to continue. He looked up at and nodded slightly, his face was ashen but he didn't look as though he was about to condemn her.

"Do you know what's funny? I actually understand, I feel like I have been waiting for you to say this to me since the beginning, you were always too smart for me with your witty banter that I never understood and I always felt more like your little brother than your lover." His face had a slightly reddened tinge as though he was embarrassed about what he was saying. He even smiled slightly as he carried on, "pretty good eh? For someone with the emotional range of a teaspoon." Feeling the tension drain from the room she smiled tentatively at him.

"We're still friends aren't we?" she said this hesitantly hoping it wouldn't cause more angst but he grinned at her,

"Of course we are. I mean, I'm not happy but we'll manage."

They spent hours talking, reminiscing about the past and imagining the future until the inky blackness of night had fallen.

"Ron I'd better leave it's late and Minerva will need my help trying to find Snape"

"Well good luck with that. I bet you don't find him, he spent years as a spy he'll know the tricks, trust me on this one."

"I have to find him, I'm determined I feel awful that he asked for my help and I just ignored it. If it's the last thing I do I will find him."

"Ok Hermione you're using that voice, I know I won't be able to persuade you, be careful and I'll see you soon"

The first thing she did after leaving the burrow was check all the obvious places such as his childhood home in Spinners End, Hogwarts and the Malfoy's Manor. Although she knew he wouldn't be there some places are so obvious you wouldn't look there, which make it a pretty good hiding place.

With no luck at any of them she decided to check in with Minerva and see if they had found anything.

"We have left a message with all the people who are acquainted with him, asking for him to come home, hopefully they will pass it along and he will come to his senses. But while we are still holding our breath on that one, Harry has been asking around at Hogwarts and the ministry to see if he can get a lead.

"I thought it was unlikely that he would be in Hogwarts but I checked there as well." Hermione said

"Yes well, I think we're going to have to dig a little deeper if we want to find him."

Hermione searched, she threatened and blackmailed and used every available resource she could think of, it seemed to be coming to a standstill when she finally had some luck. Looking through some of Dumbledore's old items she found a sheet of paper from years ago, where Snape could be found during the holidays a flat was listed she hadn't heard of before, quite well hidden and listing the spells surrounding it that needed to be removed in case of emergency. Feeling so elated her breath got stuck in her throat and she almost choked on her happiness, giggling at the idiocy of herself, apparated to McGonagall.

"I have a plan, I think I've found where he might be and when I find him I'm going to take him back to the burrow, you can't apparate inside there and he won't be expecting it." She waited on tenterhooks while McGonagall stared at her appraisingly.

"And what if you're wrong?" she asked

"Then we will just continue looking." Hermione knew she had won, expecting some kind of argument she was pleasantly surprised to find McGonagall so accommodating.

"Ok I just need to change and wash then I'm going."

Hermione left, she spoke to the Weasley's who were more than happy to look after Snape regardless of his questionable sanity then changed into something appropriate.

As she apparated she said the list of counter spells that would allow her to get into Snape's house more easily.

A loud crack ripped through the air. He was stood right in front of her victory and relief raced through her mind as she grabbed his collar and whisked him away.


End file.
